Posted 4 hours ago

thekatitube:

DOES ANYONE ELSE GET LIKE REALLY HAPPY WHEN SOMEONE LEANS THEIR HEAD ON YOUR SHOULDER AND YOURE LIKE FUCK YEAH IVE BEEN CHOSEN AND YOU FEEL REALLY SPECIAL BUT THEN YOU HAVE TO STAY SO FUCKIBG STILL COS IF YOU MOVE THEYLL STOP LEANING ON YOU AND ITS LIKE NO COME BACK IM SORRRRYUWYY

Posted 8 hours ago
Posted 12 hours ago

officialunitedstates:

Many of us know Olive Garden’s slogan When You’re Here, You’re Family.  Well, I recently put that to the test.

The tables were wooden and nice to sit at.  The chairs were also comfortable.  The view wasn’t anything special, but there was a pretty cool looking van in the Walmart parking lot that had flames on its sides. 

I was immediately offered wine, and after admitting I was underage, refused wine.  If you’re going to offer me wine, please don’t rescind your offer.  It’s common courtesy.

The napkins were probably the highlight.  They were cloth and worked really well at cleaning the windows.  One waiter told me I didn’t have to do that, but I insisted.  After all, I like a good, clear view of parking lots.  Who doesn’t.

Finally, it was time to order.  I went with the pizza.  The menu said I could pick four toppings, so I chose half portions of eight toppings.  There were only seven to choose from, though, so I made one up.  “…and blorgaspork.”

"Sorry?  What is blorgaspork?"

"That’s your job to know, now isn’t it."

After a reasonable wait, my food arrived.  It was a really good meal, not exactly overpriced, but not exactly underpriced either.  It was just priced.

My waiter soon arrived and asked me if I wanted dessert. 

"Steve," I said, "Have a seat."

He did.

"I have this business idea.  And while I’m here, and we’re family, I was hoping you could give me a loan."

Steve tried to laugh it off.  Like it was some kind of joke.  I was offended and he could tell.  “Steve, this isn’t a joke.”

Steve looked a bit nervous.  I grabbed his hands and pinned them to the table.  “Are we family or not, Steve.”

"Not in the literal sense…" said Steve.  I wasn’t going to let him reason his way out of this one. 

"Look, Steve.  I cleaned your windows.  Family does that for each other.  They clean each others’ windows.  Now, don’t you think I deserve that loan?  We’re family, Steve, we’re family."

Steve handed me 13 bucks.  “Thanks, Steve.”

★★★

Posted 16 hours ago

aweepingangel:

i was never jealous of barbie’s body

i was jealous of all the shit she had and that fucking mansion and her pimp ass car and her hot boyfriend

Posted 20 hours ago

perchu:

tsarbucks:

perchu:

perchu:

in skyrim you can ride a bee

in real life you can ride a bee

image

dont do this here

Posted 1 day ago

sassykardashian:

I’m at that point in a semester where if a car hit me, I’d probably say thank you to the kind stranger

Posted 1 day ago

iambluedog:

agoatkid:

raphael: *looks directly into the camera like he’s on the office*

image

image

(Source: zggamarchive)

Posted 1 day ago

onelazyfeminist:

if helga hufflepuff isn’t ur favorite founder then ur wrong because when all the other founders were like ‘i’ll teach the smart ones’ and ‘i’ll teach the aristocratic ones’ and ‘i’ll teach the ones who r willing to fight bears with their teeth’ helga was just like ‘fuck that i’ll teach anybody who wants to learn’ and thats how u do education

Posted 1 day ago
Posted 2 days ago

nicevagina:

nuclearworld:

Woman has a lot of sex: Whore.

Man has a lot of sex: God.

Woman is virgin by choice: Pure magical creature.

Man is virgin by choice: Loser.

society u ok

i’m glad she included the flip side

(Source: psychoalchemy)